HSP Empowerment and mental health

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default HSP Empowerment and mental health

Post by Zen on Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:05 pm

Yeah so I'm gonna post it in public this time and not delete it.

This place may be pretty dead right now but I wanted to tell you guys anyway.
You can move the thread somewhere else Mel if you think it's more effective there I dunno.

I feel like I've gotten a "HSP empath enlightenment" over something that just happened to me a matter of hours ago so I came back here while it was fresh. Nearly two decades of toxic cycles and social conditioning just entirely poofed out of existence for me. Cycles I've noticed many of you guys have either noticed as well, or been stuck in yourself.

So this is gonna be a life story thread but one that will be a rather lovely change from some of the ones I've posted in the past and that I see other members often posting as they struggle to tame their sensitivity and thoughts of lack of self worth or depression, and so forth.

Yeah so HSPs are always drained from taking on other people's emotions or negativity because of your sensitivity right? Most HSPs get that way I think, even if you really do well to avoid it and cut off toxic people and stuff like that.
Yeah and empaths generally have an enormous need to "tone themselves down" and pretend they don't see stuff in others because it's hard to understand boundaries if you don't have any.
Empaths especially feel emotions like their own, like there's hardly any barrier between them sometimes other than socially conditioned ones which I'm going to argue are basically "insane," "mentally unhealthy" and even "irrational" but considered as "normal" in our society. (That's my anthropologist self speaking).

Because social conditioning in western culture is pretty prevalent, and rather apathetic or systematic, it's very hard to unlearn and open to self empowerment when it puts you at odds with others in your daily life. Rather than risk this tiring conflict or loose it, a lot of HSPs just give up or something or try to cope.

Does that sound like HSP dimension and the general troubles we experience in a nutshell?


Yeah well I just learned a ton about this as it relates to the Online social media mental health crisis, which I'll go on about below but I'm also going to suggest to you guys that this site really should be revived or at least acknowledged as utterly remarkable by the lot of you left here.
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So basically I've ranted a-lot about being a career Online moderator/administrator/supporter or "community manager" sort of person.
When I joined this site I was freshly kicked off from my moderator position at a game which some of you played, which I will leave off the name since I'm committing to going public (within reason)
I didn't know wtf happened to me really, so I went around ranting on HSP dimension like most people about my problems with authority, self acceptance, self trust, human nature, empathic drain and so forth.

Some of you guys had a lot of patience showing me how to read people in a new light and gave me techniques to get around the drain, social isolation and general indifference by non HSPs.
I was super young at the time, 23-24 or something? It was 2012 I believe.

Yeah well I've finally figured out just what the hell did happen to me: combat type of PTSD.
And not only that but I ended up in one utterly absurd adventure for someone so young when I started moderating in 2010.

Yeah so you might remember I flipped out really good when you guys got to stop compartmentalizing everything like the trained soldier I really was. That's basically what happened, undoing like 2 years of compartmentalizing through what I'm declaring is psychological warfare in the 21st century.

It sounds dramatic because it was "just some game" and "just customer service" but I have come to fully accept it is not nearly as simple or unimportant as that.

I literally squared off as an empath against mentally ill persons, even sexual predators and other disturbed abusers with minimal professional supervision, and just like other really young people who make good soldiers I had that sense of fearlessness and feirce need to prove myself to authority. And just like many HSP empaths, a very bad habit of taking everything on and accepting social conditioning that proved socially isolating and self destructive.

When I became a moderator, I went through what was essentially a "social conditioning ritual" involving hazing where every other moderator who was already on the team went through every little thing I said, picking me apart, hazing me, and daring me to mess up so I couldn't make the training.
This is typical of humans who can be considered as "warriors" or some type of military who need to learn to fight on regiment, toughen up, put personal issues and ego aside and get things done in intense situations.
With thing of conditioning, I was effectively able to take such  internet verbal and psychological abuse from users of all kinds, even potential rapists, pedophiles, sociopaths and the like, and I was able to basically fight them according to the policies I was taught.

This is really not an exaggeration, but I won't go into it too much because it does scare people who are sensitive or who had abusive contact with such persons offline or online.

You can see why reprogramming myself as an empath and allowing myself to feel everything was exceptionally challenging to my mental health as I have been literally a solider fighting against human insanity for 8 years-- nearly my entire adult life, and told by everyone in authority or even some of my fellow "comrades" I was "being weak and emotional" or "over analyzing" or "delusional or "dramatic" or "self righteous" or "arrogant" and so forth.
I tried to find better ways of approaching this terrible cycle I ended up in just because I was naive enough to want to help other people at great cost to myself.
And I tried really hard to stop caring about people, myself, the world ect because it was really unprofessional and unconventional, and even unhealthy, to do otherwise according to the general corporate mindset.

I watched this cycle mentally destroy some of my personal heroes and comrades, like one guy who got rather moody and frustrated whenever you'd mention you admired him for his heroic effort to try to change something for somebody and quite possibly took on the task of hundreds of inappropriate images of minors and other persons online and received no support at all or even acknowledgment for his effort from the company after he and everybody else pleaded their case.

Images and video or sound content are the worst to moderate, and Facebook is arguably the most toxic company and culture on the planet:
http://time.com/5405343/facebook-lawsuit-mental-trauma-content-ptsd/

I wanted to find this moderator and contact her but I couldn't figure out how lol.


Yeah well basically when I was kicked off I was told to keep my mouth shut, pretend it never happened, and then publicly humiliated by my former teammates for my inherent weakness and insubordination. Prior to removal I was made to run the gauntlet again, that intense hazing training ritual to beat me back into shape, but I failed because I felt like thinking for myself for a change lol.

So I ended up here in that state and it took me along while to process all of that and de-compartmentalize like a war veteran who comes home and has no support network or understanding at all of how their life will go "back to normal."

I got a job as a moderator (contract) 2 years later with another company aimed at younger kids and my contract just ended a few hours ago (on a really high note I feel, although it's got some layers left).

Well basically after you guys helped me see the HSP alternative to indifference, human apathy, hate, pain and social conditioning to the point of insanity-- I turned my life all around little by little.
I second guessed myself every step of the way, wishing I could turn it all off and go "back to normal" and be ignorant about other people's suffering like everybody else or just not observe things that made me have conflict with other persons I wanted to befriend.
Eventually I gave up being "normal" and accepted HSP as a gift and that "normal" is really basically the equivalent of group insanity in many cases.
Insanity being things like lack of social acceptance based on minor details, lack of compassion, apathy, hate-self hate really, fear, lack of self trust, fear of human nature, fear of living, fear of your own power, lack of self worth, disempowerment, beravement just because other people think you should be, violent reactions over emotional stress, and so forth.

So my moderator battle became quite a bit abstract as I grew into my own as an empath and INFJ and a figure of authority for online communities.
And I grew up of course, and then human beings began to learn MORE about the effects of mental health, especially form internet toxic culture.

It was pretty draining along the way, but I finally found a technique using intuition, my moderator combat abilities and empathic reading to turn shitty and toxic cycles I found in myself and the world around me into empowering ones.
It helped me a lot at my job, doing whatever I could to prevent the toxic repeat of history at that company.
But it also frankly, made me "really damn weird."

Like literally the weirdest person I ever met.
Yeah, well turns out I've been an internet warlord for 8 years when I started off a starry-eyed dreaming HSP empath girl who only wanted to help other people.
I don't know any woman my age who can take on terrorists, child predators, and psychological manipulators with the level of confidence and self acceptance I have.
I can honestly say with a level of certainty, human evil and darkness and insanity is something I've "grown used to" and let go of after feeling it as an empath so I highly sympathize with many of you.
If I didn't in the past, consider that I had a similar form of PTSD that I couldn't admit was real since no one in history even knew about it.

Well basically when I heard the original company I volunteered for was about ready to close I decided I would go get my peace with this whole Moderator PTSD and culture toxicity/mental health issue. I posted a thread on their feedback forum and to my knowledge the game owners never so much as saw it, but many of my former co-workers did. All I wanted was for them to realize this huge sacrifice many moderators had made for their game, and that the toxic mess that caused them to get PTSD was one of the key reasons why their business declined the way it did.

As soon as their community became disempowering, toxic and unhealthy for everybody in it, their game and community crashed. Refusing to give up on my own self worth, I got my ass kicked off after conflicting with the company's mental space. (yeah my comrades had a very different interpretation of what happened to me that I would say was cruel, cold and very socially conditioned.)

Armed with the SELF TRUST and ACCEPTANCE of VULNERABILITY and my own un-ending compassion and love for human beings- even if their most "fucked up "state that I learned FROM HSP DIMENSION, I took on half a dozen of my former comrades--- trained professional psychological manipulators just like me that could outwit and emotionally level even the worst child predator out there.

And it took every ounce of my self worth and courage and I felt all their crap as an empath and I refused to let them distort my new and beautiful world again. So basically all I had to say was "you guys should really value yourselves more, the company needs that specifically if it's going to survive any longer" and they all flipped out on me like wild, emotionally starved people.
Eventually I got tired of their self destructive view, got the answers I was seeking and confirmation that I was really onto something despite everything they wanted to convince me of, and told them I was still going to remember them as friends and I left.


So I freaked out basically, this was in December so I mulled it over a few days-- trying to figure out wtf had happened to my comrades who I once thought were literally the mentally strongest people on earth.

So I decided to do the HSP dimension approach and take the most trusting, vulnerable and compassionate option available to me and fully feel everything regardless of how I was judged.

I told everything to the safety guy at my job, even if it meant loosing it (which I did but I feel really glad on what happened).

Not wanting to put him out there I'll just say he was very understanding since he is a psychologist and a do-gooder too (probably an empath but I dunno) and with a very powerful ability to read people as well.
So basically I got discharged from moderating but he said the company would really address everything I had told them from the PTSD aspect, the silence and disempowerment, the mental health of the users who are also effected by culture toxicity, the long term effects of moderation on the employees, lack of understanding of moderators who have no comparison in all of human history to explain themselves, and he basically heard me out as myself without any strings attached or mind games.

That's potentially millions of kids out there, and a 100 something moderators that might've been effected by my refusal to "just accept the world sucks and live with it."

Of course they had to let me go but I felt really damn proud considering it was way better than to simply rage quit and if he really does make good on it (I think he will) that's potentially the entire game industry and social media industry that could be ripple effected.
I suggested too that he research and publish information about moderator PTSD so this dumb cycle doesn't keep endlessly happening to other naive young people out there who allow themselves to be moved into making acts of human kindness for people they don't even know.

And that's a ripple effect that one could argue, started from HSP dimension's unconventional approach which I learned from the lot of you.

So when any of you guys get sad or drained or feel like you can't take anymore on, I want to consider that I just fought all the worst creeps out there, faceless corporations, human insanity, and all kinds of politics and social conditioning and I won the day by believing in myself and refusing to give up or accept myself as less than I am and I learned that shit right here!
So I decided I'd try to pay it forward and tell you guys that just some minuscule act of kindness and listening on your part--even if in the short term you have a conflict with the person you want to help-- CAN CHANGE THE WORLD.

It's not even a hypothetical or nice thought, I'm telling you I won this retarded war against human insanity, felt it as an empath, and crushed it into dust.
All I have to do is be myself and tell my story and all that stuff is absolutely powerless to stand in my way now!
I have made a saying "be an emperor" because I have this masculine authoritative approach I suppose, which is odd for an empath or a woman but I can genuinely say I played the world's most accurate war game like a world champion, remained myself and gained an unconditional love and passion for human beings.

I really suggest the lot of you keep this place going even if you're tired or drained or want to give up and slap sense into people who have mental issues.
If you want to work together, apparently I'm an internet warlord/ community manager sort so we could surely do something if you guys feel it's important to you still to promote human self awareness, HSP acceptance, and understanding.

If you guys feel that need, don't give up and stand your ground even if the person is a pain in the ass to you at the time.
People remember that kind of thing deeply.

Maybe you can't "save the world from itself" but  I certainly feel that I did--on some weird abstract symbolic level.

Just be existing and living to your fullest you can do that!
So if you guys want to find a way to keep dimension existing, hit me up maybe.
Yeah I just wanted to tell you guys all this since I feel like everything did happen for a reason and things come full circle if you allow them to.
And also now that I'm retired from fighting as a moderator I've got leeway to find new ways to pay things forward in my own right.
PTSD, social conformity and whatever else this stupid world throws at me won't stop me when I set my mind to something! lol And I think I'm about done "turning off"my ability to change the hearts and minds of people I come across just because it's a drastically contagious and frightful power to have.

I've looked into the minds of the most disturbed people the internet can conjure up, fought against even other people like me who only wanted to convince me to give up and become a cruel hearted tyrant--- took it ALL IN as a fully aware HSP EMPATH--felt it ALL, turned it into positive empowerment and then defeated EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM by utterly shattering their worlds by SIMPLY BEING KIND.

Yeah so as some emperor once said:
"I came, I saw, I conquered."
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Zen

Posts : 1035
Join date : 2012-06-17
Age : 29
Location : United States West Coast

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